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Ask the Expert: What should I say when my child comes out?

How parents react when their children come out makes a huge difference to kids’ feelings of self-worth, says Afi Browne, provincial LGBTQ+ youth outreach worker for Skylark Children, Youth & Families in Toronto. There are plenty of positive things you can say to your kid, but there are definitely things you shouldn’t say, including “Are you crazy?” or “Don’t worry, it’s just a phase”—two common responses on the less-supportive side of the parental-reaction spectrum.

Instead, validate your child’s experiences and express your support. “The best thing to say is, ‘Thank you for telling me. Thank you for trusting me. I love you unconditionally,’” says Browne.

Many parents aren’t sure how to respond simply because they don’t really understand what their children are going through. “They may need to start by untangling ideas around gender and sexuality,” says Browne. “Gender is a social construct—it lives in our heads, not in our bodies—while sexuality is about who you’re attracted to and has nothing to do with gender. It helps to understand all these concepts and to confront any preconceived ideas of what ‘normal’ means.”

It’s also OK to admit that you need some time to breathe. “A lot of parents go through a range of emotions, and there’s often some disavowed grief because they aren’t able to get support from their own communities,” says Browne.

Browne suggests that parents read blog posts by LGBTQ+ youth to gain some insight into what their own children might be going through. Another great resource is Central Toronto Youth Services, which offers a variety of programs to support families with LGBTQ+ children. It offers an online resource booklet called Families in Transition that Browne says is a must-read for families of youth who are transitioning.

Supporting your child may also mean standing up for them in the community. “People will talk, and often parents don’t do a good enough job of defending their kids,” says Browne. The best approach is to take the time to educate yourself so you can help educate others.

LGBTQ+ youth often experience depression and other mental health issues, which are a result of the trauma they often face. That’s why it’s especially important to make certain your child doesn’t feel isolated or alone. Ensure that they still feel engaged and accepted within the family and provide them with counselling resources if they need them. For example, Skylark offers walk-in and ongoing counselling options. You can also encourage your child to join an LGTBQ+ support group with their peers, such as those offered by The 519 and YouthLink. Skylark offers two great options: First Fridays for LGBTQ+ youth at The Studio and a newly opened group for LGBTQ+ tweens. “Just let kids determine what they want to be doing and support them in doing it,” says Browne.

For more information on supporting your child when they come out—and to find places where you can access LGBTQ+ youth resources—visit Supporting Our Youth, a community development program at Sherbourne Health Centre for queer and trans youth. Or visit Central Toronto Youth Services for their Pride & Prejudice and Families in TRANSition programs.

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